Open Letter to Kimmie, My First Community College Girlfriend from back in '92

Dear K,

Been ages since we've talked. No idea what happened to you. Last I heard from you was around '95 or so. You emailed me and said you had thought you finally found "the" guy. Then a sudden disappearing act. Not that I care, but still, just vanishing into thin air makes one wonder. Especially after all the the stupid shit we went through. Or was that the wringer you put me through? God knows if I had known that at the time treating you like shit would have made you like me more, then I would have given it my best shot. Unfortunately, I didn't really learn about what made people like you tick until Loveline arrived on MTV years later. Apparently there are lots of people in the world who can't stand to be loved and do better when people mistreat them. Sorry, but that wasn't in me.

I would like to direct your attention to a fine song by the band Alva Star called "Unhappily Yours". I think it sums up that whole rotten thing we had going on. The line "Sat around all day so you could stand me up / Did you think that I would hang around for you forever?" pretty much says it all, don't you think? Why the hell was it when I finally did land someone who was right for me, you suddenly turned on the passion and charm and sex? What a crock of shit. Too bad for you, I suppose.

I'm only writing this because of that song. I don't figure you'll ever read this, unless you happen upon it by some wild, fucked up stroke of luck. I figure you probably followed your degree in veterinarianism or whatever it was. Or did you decide to go back to St. Louis with your rock star groupie friends and watch bands do drugs while you had semi bisexual encounters with your stoned girlfriends?

Oh well. I can only speculate about where you went or what you're doing now. Since I've been looking back upon my life a bit lately, I couldn't leave you out. All that crud had to be addressed sometime. Now's as good a time as any, I suppose. Hope your life's groovy enough. Mine is still ticking along swimmingly.

Thoughts while taking a final drive around the old sleepy neighborhood and listening to Rage Against The Machine's Renegades.

What here has really changed since the days I tooled around this same neighborhood as a teenager? Now 29, I can't see much difference except for a couple more fast food joints and the fact that my alma mater expanded into the old elementary school the year after I got out of that shit pit. Of course, after I graduated, those up and coming pissants got such things as a drama class and all sorts of other interesting shit that would have appealed to a dork like myself who found no solace in Friday night football games and cruising down at the local park hoping to impress some chick who probably did in fact like me but because of her status in the teenage public eye, deemed that such impropriety would never exist in reality.

Ah, what the fuck? I can't be sour grapes about shit in my life that happened more than ten years ago. I was fine. I just thought I was a moron that no chick would give two shits about. Funny what ten years down the line will do for your brain and looking back at all that crap. I had a decently rotten band, some weird friends, and did hang out with a few cool girls. I coulda gotten laid...I really coulda, but oh no...play it the sensitive romantic angle and people will think that's ginchy. Whatever. Hell, who's even mentally ready to get laid at 16?

Speaking of 16...to Mr. Agee: I saw that your store down on the corner is finally closing after decades of serving my fair hometown. Honestly, you sold nothing but shit, but people dug that shit. And it was your daughter whom I fell in love with as a sophomore. First girl I ever fell for hard. Things of course didn't work out in any stretch of the imagination, but we did have lots of nice, long, revelatory phone calls night after night. If you recall, she was dating that moronic prick Lee. What a dope. I made my feelings known, but then she got into college and oh well, she fell for some dude who later died due to some health problems..and then married some other guy and had a few kids. I saw her years later at the post office and just wondered where it all went. Damn, I really dug her.

Then there was also Candace. Good god. First girl I developed a severe crush on in high school. Apparently she dug me as well, but this didn't come to light until way too late again of course. I heard she married some dude and then turned kind of psychotically jealous. What can you do?

It's best to not live in any form of the past. I mean, if you don't have any real ties there, there isn't. I don't know how much more I know now at 29 than I did at 17. Probably a lot. Probably more than I want to. I have generally found that people are severely fucked up in one way or another. The Internet has allowed these people to shine ever so brightly and to come out of the woodwork. Of course, I include myself in that batch. Just glad that I got into all this weirdness after the fact that I went into therapy as a teenager. It's good to be grounded in your mind before dipping into the fucked up gene pool that is the Internet and all its denizens.

Some say I'm cynical and bitter. Others think I'm mad or some left field healer who has some kind of compassion and sensitivity that they need to experience. It's funny who you meet online. I think I'm just a writer who speaks his mind. Whether or not the things I say are ultimately of the best choice or mind or whatever you call it is up for debate, but just as long as you stay true. Or maybe the truth is what you make it. Things get really bent online. That's why you go out on breezy Spring nights and crank RATM and clear your mind of all the bullshit and just let the music drive your drive. What's better than that? Letting loose like you're 17 all over again. Gotta fucking love it.

OK, after a day and a half of being down due to some server glitches on the host's end of things, Echo From Esoterica is now back online for your reading pleasure. I felt naked without it. You probably didn't even notice.