Really, you do have too much time on your hands.

Another goofy website that I dug up just for you kids. I dunno what's better (read: "hilarious"), the proliferation of crap erotica online or the fact that someone actually bothers to take the time and review it. Isn't that like rating porn flicks? C'mon, we all know why we indulge in any sex entertainment. I don't need to know whether it was "good" or not - it all reeks! Yet it serves its purpose well. Does anyone actually sit and watch more than 10 minutes - if that much - of a porno? Well, I guess if you rented or paid for it you might, but it's tough to do! Thank god for Kazaa then and being able to download porn clips with just the right amount of time for you to do your business and move along. Genius!

I still picture these net erotica authors sitting around and having to gratify themselves after a few paragraphs of typing. "Ooh...oh yeah...that description was especially good..oh, I got myself all hot and bothered again!" Please. But to know that someone's out there reading tale after tale and grading it...

"This one made me wait till the end to climax! A+"

Jody McLoud Still Makes Me Wanna Shit My Spine

Earlier this week I told you about my former high school principal Jody McLoud and the ungodly amount of press he got from Jesus freaks all over who lauded his speech about having prayers before football games. Well, I was trolling through a search on the dude, and I swear to God that guy got way too much coverage for something so menial. Are people in the US of A so scared of anything that isn't based in Christianity? Of course they are! I'd like to think that we've come a long way and have learned to accept all sorts of religious doctrine, but I'm afraid the buttcracks of fundamentalists in the nation still shine brightly.

But perhaps we should have some sympathy for them, as they all are just scared of what they don't know and choose to remain ignorant of it. Poor masses...it'll be ok. Someday you'll learn what tolerance and respect is.

Ironic perhaps I say that in light of my opening statements of this post, but as they say an eye for an eye. :)

They're gonna get you! Hit the panic button now! Hit it again! Harder!

Yahoo! News readers are a fun bunch. Here's the latest tales of possible terrorism threats as issued by the FBI. Scroll down to the bottom and see that this story - and others like it - is rated at a 4 out of possible 5. Why do people thrive on paranoia? What can you do besides piss your pants? I say piss em when the chips finally fall, IF they do. Don't waste a clean pair of undies beforehand. I think that perhaps we really do have too much info at our fingertips these days. Yes, let's all start sweating it out on something that may or may not happen. That's what's gotten on my nerves the most about this whole thing since last September. Feed the public a ton of maybes and watch them scamper around and worry. Thanks to that, we get the same tired news coverage beaten into our skulls until we're forced to care less about it. Literally going numb. And then, when nothing is happening, and we could be enjoying our lives, oh no, let's start worrying again. What if?! I dunno...what if? I can only worry about what if I don't get to the post office and ship out some packages and bills today.

Why is it that junkies always turn into Jesus freaks?

Just found this on the Recently Updated Blogs list. OK, I get the sentiment and it's all good and well, but time after time I see junkies or criminals doing rehab and turning into some kind of robotic religious addict. As if trying to convince themselves that it's going to be a grand substitute. It may work, but I can't help but feel that these folks go just as much overboard with the prayers and dogma as much as they did with their other vices. I read that site and the blog entries and all I can picture is some poor guy sitting there still teetering on the edge of crackdom, madly typing away trying to escape through scriptures of all sorts.

You know what I'd like to see? A mass frenzy for Steven Seagal's latest movie Half Past Dead. What a fitting title. As if he could ever hope to win against the Harry Potter madness that is already ensuing, I'm sure. But really, why did people ever think this guy was any good? I dragged myself through that E! True Hollywood Story of his and had to laugh when he always complained about not getting to show off his acting skills. Right. As if the guy had any skills at all. Probably fills out his tax returns with magic marker.

More Avril Lavigne Poop

Ah, you know how much I love to loathe Avril! Well check this shit out for possibly everything you've ever wanted to know (or not) about the puke-enticing practitioner of pop poop. Can you dig it? I knew that you could. She's a joke. Realize this and revel in the reality, kids.

Nothing interesting to report as of now. It's mild and average. Perhaps a mentholated cigarette would stir some excitement. Even if it did, how would I know, as I have never smoked in my life. For those of you who do, I suggest you celebrate today by going out and smoking the cheapest pack of cigarettes you can find. Say "fuck you" to those Truth ads. What's more annoying, smokers, or people who preach to you about smoking with irritating TV ads? Hey, you kids do what you want. But smoke a More, a Viceroy, or a Virginia Slim just once, OK?

Shit Sells.

Fuck The Starting Line and their fucking shitty fuckity shit fuck full-length debut. This band deserves no better review than that. Their debut EP, With Hopes Of Starting Over was trashed by reviewers all over (including yours truly). But these dimwits got the green light for an actual LP. Yes, let's please have more worthless pop punk that 17 year olds can get into and love for 3 months until the next disposo-band comes along. Folks, something's gotta change soon. Let's hope these shitty acts go down the drain and fast.

Even more stinky sex!

And if you really need to have a wank while sitting online, there are tons of trashy tales to read at Alt.Sex.Stories Text Repository! See how ridiculous and numbing sex can sometimes become by diving straight into this pile of insanity. After reading the umpteenth tale about some woman's "swollen breasts" and some dude's "throbbing member", you'll be ready for a celibate life and a can of Tab. It's fun!

Sex Slaves!

OK, for those of you who still insist on searching for "double fisting" and keep getting this lovely blog instead (and how disappointed you must be when you find out there is no such thing here), check out this idiotic site. These two people are master and slave. Thrill to the bad sex stories and wonder how often these people get out into reality.

Quickie Review For Two Shitty Albums

OK, rather than waste other peoples' time who enjoy Echo From Esoterica and take up a whole couple spots for official reviews, here's some quick notes in regards to two rotten CDs I got in the mail today.

First up is Two Steps To Infinity and their wretched EP For He Who Suffers. This shit is hilarious. Imagine a sloppy attempt at hard rawk with a lead chick who has a baby doll voice trying to sound tough and sing. Well, that's what you get here. Jill Beckman can't sing worth a shit, and the rest of the group, featuring Cak Papgiorgio on bass, Neil Engelman on guitar, and JB Fentner on drums blow as well. Hearing Jill try to sing with whomever it is on the track "Atlas" is just nauseating. Lose Jill, try a different form of music (or don't - that might be better; probably is) and don't quit your day jobs. This disc flat out sucks. If you wanna waste your time (not that I think you might), stop by their website at www.twostepstoinfinity.com (be sure to enjoy how they cannot spell words such as "inconvenience" and "definitely", and also apostrophize the pluralization "Happenings" while you're there).

Next up is this guy named Les who has an album called The View From Here. Nothing major to report here. It's better than the other disc, but is basically just plain vanilla alternarock that went out the door in 1996. Boring, to say the least. They don't make 'em like this anymore, and Les proves why. Kicking off with the snoozer "The One That I" and winding itself through 12 more tunes (including the shitty "Suddenly" and the goofy-as-fuck "Love Fades At Night"), The View From Here is another one you can pass on and well should. The world does not care, Les. Pack it in. Waste some good web time by dropping by www.lesnoise.com. Just don't expect anything entertaining.

Hmmm...capsulized reviews might possibly be useful after all.

Strictly Weirdsville

Those of you who are video gamers are probably aware of the MAME arcade emulator. If you're not familiar with this thing, what it is is a program you install on your computer that allows you to play classic arcade ROMs that you also download for nada. Lotta fun for those of us who grew up with the classic games. Anyway, I was just playing this one called WANTED...you're a cowboy and you're trying to take out the Indians. Well, that's not so odd, but the soundtrack is. While you're blowing away the savages, "Puttin' On The Ritz" plays in the background.

Weird shit.

Well, the lovely blog has been hit some more for searches for "double fisting". You kids certainly have better things to do than look for pictures of such things. C'mon now...it's not attractive at all. Look for something good. Something like dead fat Elvis pics or something. Or even people puking.

The freaks I knew.

Hey, kids. Check this photo out, won't you? It was taken by this chick I used to know. No biggie there, although the damn thing is about as fucking stupid as you can get. The best part about this thing isn't the silly looking naked chick hiding behind the mirror. No, it's the dude lounging in front of it and peering back at you. This, my friends, is Mr. Thomas Scarborough, an ex-best pal of mine whom I had to kick out of my apt. when I lived down in TN because he decided to bring some dope into my pad when I expressly told him not to before I allowed him to move in.

Live and learn, right?

Sure. Well as soon as he got out of our fair hometown of Kingston, TN and headed towards the dope campus of the state, MTSU, he turned into a full blown idiot, ingesting all sorts of acid, shrooms, and as much wacky weed as he could. He eventually wanted to get away from all that, and being the pal I was offered him a safe haven till he got his feet on the ground. I told him I didn't care if he did his doobage and other shit elsewhere, just don't bring it into my place. He agreed twice and also understood that if I ever did find his shit in my place, that I'd be kicking his ass out.

Of course, upon arrival, he was whining about not being able to use any dugs because he had to clean out his system in order to get a job. Damn, life's a bitch. So he eventually scored a job as a busboy at Shoney's and was thrilled to have made some drug connections with his work buddies there. Every night he'd get in about 3 or 4 AM. One particular night I woke up to take a piss...his bedroom light was on, but he wasn't there. I thought he had come and gone out again, as the door was left unlocked. So I locked the door, turned off the light and went to bed.

Next morning I get up and he's standing outside knocking on the door. Dumbfuck had gone out for a smoke and didn't bother to knock when I had accidentally closed him out. What an idiot. Shortly thereafter he slipped up and as promised I kicked his ass out. But he was a fucking prick when it came to being a roommate, anyway. His idea of cleaning up the place was taking shit lying around and piling it in my bedroom. He had some woman over one night while I was out of town and pretty much fucked up my kitchen thanks to burning shit in the oven and not cleaning it up and leaving a general mess elsewhere.

My advice to all of you out there is if you are on drugs, don't annoy the shit out of other people who aren't. If you're not doing shit, then don't make the mistake of harboring an idiotic wastoid like I did, no matter if they were your best friend once or not. It just isn't worth the stress.

My favorite piece of grafitti has always been "FUCK HARD". What the fuck does that mean? Is it supposed to be an insult or a self-esteem booster? Certainly I've never seen the likes of "FUCK SOFT" scribbled anywhere. But "FUCK HARD" has been seen in many a bathroom stall.

Speaking of urinals and stalls, why is it that 8 times out of 10 there will be some dried, smeared booger stuck on the wall over the flusher on the urinal? I mean, that's where guys always stare when they're lined up to piss. Straight ahead, right into the tiles. But what good is it if you have to be staring at someone else's snot?

Other public bathroom things I hate: people who can't flush their shit down the toilet. Nothing worse than walking into a stall and seeing about 5 logs piled high with 10 pounds of toilet paper soaking up all the water surrounding them. Thanks, pal. There's nothing better than walking in on your shit. Also, is it just me or are other people unfortuantely greeted with the situation of a lone person shitting his brains out in a stall while you're just trying to piss? I swear, I do not need to hear this lone shitter make straining and grunting noises while he tries to crap. Hearing the flatulence is bad enough. The familiar plopping sounds are also usually followed up by a "whew!" Man, don't kill yourself on that toilet! Just relax.

If I know I'm going to go shit in a public restroom, as soon as my ass hits that toilet seat, my hand is hitting the flusher. See, I'm being polite in this respect in two ways. One, everyone else doesn't have to hear me shit because the flushing sound is drowning it out. And two, hopefully the odor is not having enough time to linger.

Ladies and gentlemen, you can follow my example by doing this same thing. It's very considerate to the other folks who just want to get in and get out with a quick piss. If one flush isn't enough, just KEEP FLUSHING as you go. Trust me, it's less embarrassing than tooting out tunes on your ass for the whole bathroom clientele to hear.

Was your high school famous for anything, J.?

Actually it was. Go here (continuing on with the Jesus Is Famous! theme) to read the (in)famous speech my former moronic principal (I graduated back in '91) Jody McLoud (of Roane County High School in Kingston, Tennessee) gave during a football game regarding prayers before games. It made news all over the fuckin' place!

Really, it's not newsworthy at all, but of course the Jesus freaks picked up on it and ran with it as far as they could. For what it's worth, the teachers in Roane County were an awful sort. I can think of three teachers that ever meant anything to me there. The rest were just completely inept, especially McLoud and his goon squad comprised of a vice principal that looked like a beaten walrus and two of the most useless "guidance counselors" ever to grace a school.

You wanna know how bad it was? Coaches often doubled duty as history and psychology teachers! Ha! I remember one, a Mrs. Collins who couldn't pronounce half the names in the psychology book. Her teaching style was nothing more than copying shit out of that book and then writing it on overhead projector transparencies for the class to then copy down and study for the tests. She pronounced Jung's name as "Wong"...what the fuck? Of course, this was a woman whose husband was one of the worst P.E. teachers I ever had. He later became a higher up at the Elementary school! Oh yeah, put more lunkheaded feeble minded jocks in charge of schools, that'll fix everything.

It's amazing I learned anything during those years. It seems like the classes were all taught lazily and in the most jerked-off fashion imaginable. And the teachers would get expasperated with the students sometimes. You wanna know why? Because the fuckers couldn't teach to save their lives! It was all paint by numbers and a total cloud of confusion when it came to many of these so-called teachers.

High school was a joke. I love my hometown, but you gotta remember, it's smack dab in the middle of a bunch of Southern Baptist bullshit. A place where the Baptist churches still have "Judgement Houses" every Halloween to scare the shit out of kids and hammer into their brains that they will most certainly be doomed to an afterlife with the Underwood Devil if they don't adhere to the my-way-or-the-highway dogma. All I can say is thank God I was brought up in a freer-thinking Presbyterian atmosphere that didn't rely on scare tactics and guilt to base its teachings upon.

So there you have it. Small town infamy based on pure goofiness.

I told you it would happen, and it did.

A couple posts back I talked about how many of you get to this fine blog by searching for porno type things...I predicted it would happen again soon, and it has. Someone searched for "double fistings", and lo and behold, they got it...thanks to that previous post! Oh dear friends, you thrill me to no end.

Jesus in the Clouds!

Some might have scoffed when Jesus became a talk show host on South Park, but this fabulous site proves he's always wanted a chunk of the limelight! See for yourself and BE AMAZED!