Flu Vaccine Shoratage Strikes States - Alternative Cures Considered

With the US flu season facing a scarcity of vaccines, as well as a new strain of the virus, the nation's health experts are being forced to consider other methods for battling the outbreak. One head of research has suggested that hospitals and local clinics turn back to the classic practice of trepanation, wherein a hole is drilled into the patient's skull to "let all the bad stuff out".

Such ponderances have sparked the fervor of the International Trepanation Advocacy Group (ITAG). Said one member, "This is exactly the kind of publicity we've been needing for years! Hopefully now no one will point at us and laugh anymore."

In fact, many members have since taken to filling local parking lots of various malls, plastering shoppers' vehicles with pamphlets describing how to perform self-trepanation with no risk of costly insurance or physician fees.

A number of physicians, however, aren't too keen on resorting to arcane practices. "Next thing you know, we'll be back in the dark ages of poultices, gangrenous tourniquets, and hot toddies," exclaimed Jack Thacker, one particularly angered medical practitioner. Still, the ITAG members are convinced the tried and true methods of yore will prevail. "It's only a matter of time before everyone realizes that trepanation not only cures the flu, but makes your whole head feel ten pounds lighter," remarked Jim Hodey, one of the junior members.

National rallies are being scheduled, along with a number of television commercials and magazine ads advocating trepanation. Sean Penn is also taking out a full page ad in The New York Times to have his say on the matter as well. And with such celebrity gawking, it may perhaps only be a matter of time until trepanation becomes the hottest fad since streaking caught fire in the 1970s.

RIAA Targets User Names

A federal appeals court has ruled that the RIAA may not subpoena Internet providers to identify mp3 sharers in its attempt to thwart online music piracy. Vowing to keep its anti-piracy fire going, the RIAA has now decreed to seek revenge on a different, but no less volatile target: the file swapper's user name.

This means that anyone caught not only trading mp3 files online but also just conversing in chat rooms using nicknames that contain an artist or band's name is up for some serious fines. One such user, "freddurstsucks", has already been slapped with a $5000 dollar lawsuit.

"I can't believe it," said the user via telephone. "These bastards have nothing better to do but try to get more money for their cocktail parties and call girls. I suppose the easiest way for them to do it and not waste their own money is by going after the music fans."

Other internet users known as "Britney4Eva", "Blink182 69420", and "HilaryRosen" are also facing similar charges. Even more disturbing is that "Britney4Eva" is a 92-year-old AOL user who just wanted to spend time talking to her niece, Britney Turner.

"I was just sitting there talking to my dear niece, and the next thing I know I have mail from the RIAA telling me I'm being fined ten large for my user name. I don't understand. I didn't realize my niece was famous," commented the confused abuser.

Current RIAA president Cary Sherman doesn't seem to be flinching at the complaints, however. "Look, the industry is losing a lot of money and these people using our slaves' names for online shenanigans must be brought to justice," said Sherman.

No word yet on whether those fined will appeal. Sherman says all money collected will go into the RIAA "stocking fund" for the holidays. "We're just trying to give back a little to all our employees who have lost so much during this year. Hopefully this extra money and a lap dance or two will bring back those old, happy smiles that have been absent from our offices for so long," remarked Sherman.